It's a real doozy

Life is full of interesting experiences. Oftentimes we walk head first into these, and yet most times we tend to not know they're coming. It's like when you're about to jump down the slip-n-slide but instead you take one step too far, slip on the plastic, and go headfirst into your neighbor's fence.

The latter of the two just happened to me yesterday. In my school days, I obviously spent a great amount of quality time with educational facilitators. More than I usually would've liked, actually. But during my adult life I've voluntarily enjoyed way too much time with them. For anyone who doesn't know, my fiance is a teacher and I'm her sounding board. It's a perfect relationship, right? But I digress. In the past decade I've become fairly well-versed in the teaching field.

And then they asked me to actually do it.

Last night I stood in front of 5 middle school kids and had to transfer information from my head into theirs. Easy, right? I've spent the past 17 years of my life ringing handbells and helping to teach the younger ones the finer techniques. I should've had absolutely no trouble doing it on my own without The Ringleader and The Bell Diva steering the rudder, right?!

Wrong.

You could know exactly what you're talking about and have an entire outline both in front of you and in your head and you will STILL goof it up. That first time standing in front of a few kids was absolutely one of the most difficult experiences of my entire life. I was stuttering, dropping things, and altogether fumbling my way through 90 minutes of pure terror. Five sets of eyes watched me intently. Yes, me. Hell, most days I can't keep a thought for more than a few minutes with going off on a major tangent, and yet while I was showing them how to slam a bell into 4 inches of foam, my brain was pacing back and forth to find the next logical lesson to tie into.

They knew I was nervous; They were great sports, though. They humored me when I messed up and were overall a great audience. I'm still kind of shaky just remembering last night, but it was a hell of a rush. I feel like I did something of a good job. My instructors didn't stop me, and the kids didn't tell me I was an idiot --Mission accomplished!

I've always had a great respect for teachers and their ability to stand in front of worse groups everyday. But after having a taste of what it's really like, I feel an increased admiration and wonder. It takes a special kind of person to do this.

I can't wait to do it again.

Hoody out.

"It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken

joy in creative expression and knowledge."

- Albert Einstein

It can... learn?

Before I start, don't lecture me for not updating this often. I only write when the mood strikes me or I have something to say. That being said, if you're actually eager to read what I've jotted down, then I've got some bad news for you...

Anyway, it's been an interesting year. I've had quite a number of experiences, revelations, conversations and fights and good/bad times. I've talked to a LOT of people and I've done a lot of thinking about my own life and the lives of those around me. This is where I point out that I'm not a 12 year old girl turning into a woman.

I think I might be growing up.

Terrifying though it may be, it was actually an interesting transition. Yes, I have less patience now. I think it's because I've finally realized that I do way too many for way too many people with way too little thanks/love for it. That hasn't, nor will it, stopped me from continuing to do the things that I do. In fact, it's kind of made me more persistent in my endeavors to stay myself. I've redoubled my efforts and made a few changes.

One of these things is the realization that the only paths that have ever worked for me are the ones I make myself. I've lost a lot of years in my young life trying to do things in the way others have. Not because I've wanted to fit in. Oh no, never ever that. But it's simply been because I either haven't had the means to try another way or I wasn't aware that another way existed. A wise man told me a long time ago that I marched to the beat of my own drum. I always thought it was his way of calling me strange. Don't get me wrong, I -AM- strange. But I see the deeper meaning of it now, so many years later.

Something else I've learned, something I've been learning my entire life, is that if I have enough time to bitch about something, then I have enough time to do something about it. I've had my ups and downs. What I've never really been able to admit is that they're mostly my own fault. Maybe I wouldn't be diabetic if I had taken care of myself, maybe I would have a super awesome career right now if I had finished ITT Tech, maybe I wouldn't have had to settle for ITT Tech if I hadn't been such a derp in high school, and maybe I wouldn't have been such a derp in high school if I hadn't let others' expectations weigh me down into apathy. All those past things don't matter anymore, but they're examples of choices I made that've had dire consequences on the my life. I could spend as much time as I want being depressed and bitching about it -- and trust me I have -- but there's really only one solution; do something about it.

Do you hear that, people who make excuses for everything? Man up and do something about it.

Do you hear that, passive-aggressive bitches? Grow a spine.

Do you hear that, people who love to play the victims? Stop living on the pity of others.

Do you hear what I'm saying? Do something about it.

But of all the things I have learned and taken in, one truth has been harder to understand than others for me. That truth is that most people are not very empathetic. It's a true shame, because if most people could, for even a brief moment, capture the experience of others in order to garner just a little wisdom about it, not only would individual lives benefit, but the entire world itself wouldn't face many of the problems it does. But unfortunately all we can do, those of us who can see the world through glasses labeled "Everyone Else's", is simply accept that there are only a few of us in the world and that's really all there is to it.

Though I realize everything I've just written, it is easier said than done. I fail. I fall back into old habits. I make choices I know I shouldn't make. The problem isn't failing. There's nothing wrong with failing. There's nothing wrong with BEING WRONG. To me, there are only two real sins we can inflict upon ourselves.

1) Not learning from our mistakes.
In ever story, every movie, every book and video game and anime, there is a lesson to be learned. Real life is the same way. Learn from fucking up. It's something we are all so very good at.

2) Giving up on yourself.
Losing faith in yourself is the only way to truly lose. It's so easy to give in to that sweet apathy and indifference when you've lost. It's frighteningly easy.  But the only difference between those who "make it" and those who "didn't make it" is the ability to brush yourself off and do it again.

"Stand up and walk. Keep moving forward. You've got two good legs. So get up and use them. You're strong enough to make your own path." - Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist