But I allow the darkness in. I welcome it into my heart and I encourage it to do what it does.
...But only on my terms and when I allow it.
Tonight, the vacuous void is forcing itself upon me uninvited and unwelcome. Therefore, I write about it.
It is very difficult to keep one's head up when the skyscrapers of one's existence topple one by one. When everything we know (or think we know, right?) fades and the truth is free and able, it makes one feel so foolish for putting their faith somethings and someones.
As a human who spends a lot of time reading others and trying to understand the motivations and psyches of others, it always comes as a blow when I'm wrong. Yes, I've been wrong before and it seems like that's a trend that, albeit rare, will continue. That's ok. That's life. But it hurts. But when I'm wrong about someone I've invested in, someone I had such high hopes for, someone in whom I saw what could have been a very, very bright star... Well, when I'm proven wrong there, it leaves a scar. Again, that's ok. Scars heal over time.
But right now the pain is all too real. It permeates from my very being. It makes me feel every bit my age and then some. I don't hand out my faith easily. I don't trust. I don't give myself anymore. The few times I do, it's only been because I have the utmost confidence in another human being. It's because I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, have seen something in them, something gleaming so brightly that it overshadows any faults they may have, that I simply cannot be without them.
It hurts because I believed. It hurts because I know it will be even harder for me to believe again.
“Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.” –Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Hyperion
