I hate you all.

This is, as usual, just the musings of a madman. There may be hateful language and for that I am not sorry. There may be colorful language and for that I am not sorry. You may not have the fortitude to look at things as they truly are and, for that in particular, I am truly sorry.

Over the past number of years I've come to realize that my spoken word is poor. Sadly, I am a man and oftentimes all of my spoken emotions turn into anger. That sucks and there's nothing I can do about it because that's how I was born. This does, however, make getting my points across rather difficult at times. I'll stop now and thank my wonderful half for helping me in those situations every step of the way. Today, however, I'm going to take matters into my own hands and hope that the intended will make their way here and read what I have to say. I've been holding it in for the better part of a decade.

To protect the innocent, I'll call these two people "Derek" and "Andrew." Oh. Shit. Well, so much for protecting anyone. It's not like they're innocent, or else I wouldn't have to write this tonight. Anyway, I had these two friends, Derek and Andrew. Over the many years the three of us have been gaming together, there have often been disputes, disagreements, and overall creative differences. We've been able to overcome these not because of working through our differences, or finding middle or common group, but because of my own submission to ideas and suggestions for the sake of the group. Sure, I can be bull-headed, mean, and an overall jerk at times. But if there's one thing I've always been proud of is my ability to be a part of an ensemble and throw my all into making that work.

It has been difficult, but it has worked. These two people I'd considered to be my best friends for a very long time. For the most part, it was easy sailing. For the rest, these two have shown me time and time again that they are, without a doubt, fair weather friends.

I'll start with Derek. My gay superhero. Since reuniting about four or maybe five years ago, I have discovered one thing about Derek: when all is said and done, Derek isn't concerned about anybody except Derek. When Derek isn't happy with his guild, he urges me to make my own. When Derek wants to play a game, he urges me to play a game. When Derek wants to do something, he doesn't give up until he's doing it, and to hell with what anybody else wants to do. To the most recent example, my other half and I decided we were going to play WoW again. We'd had many bad experiences with guilds and drama and raiding and we hadn't played in almost a year. We wanted something to do together. A close friend of mine offered Kelly and I a realm/faction transfer to play with her. We both accepted. I simply told Derek I was playing, and that was that. I didn't actually expect him to come back and play with us, and to be honest I was actually hoping he wouldn't. But once he had, I had a family to take care of again. Yes, you bastard. I saw it as a family even though you saw it as a means to an end. Once Derek had decided that my old friend's guild wasn't right for him(Or rather, once I had decided that all hell would break loose if he was there much longer) I knew it was time to leave. I broke the heart of one of my oldest friends because I was hellbent on taking care of the people I gamed with; the people I was loyal to. Unfortunately, what Derek never really understood is that once I've made a guild, the number of people I am responsible for increases for every person that joins me. I wanted to raid with my friends and I wanted to raid with my new guild mates, those to whom I promised a raid. I also needed to work and unfortunately the place I work is only open at night. I was unable to move shifts and I was forced to make a terrible choice. In the end, I chose to keep with my weekend raid, because I knew(know) that I can teach people the 101 of raiding, and hopefully send them Derek's way in order to form a crack team of people who can really make good things happen. To my dismay, Derek would have none of that. After I'd decided that I would teach the new raiders, he took is as a personal betrayal. He'd begun looking for guilds and, being the good friend I am, encouraged him. I wanted him to do what he had to do because I knew that when conditions were right, he would come back and things would work out for the best. Once again, I found myself almost hilariously wrong with my hopes of my old friend. I'd fallen serendipitously into a number of people who could make the raid nights that he wanted. I knew this is what I'd been waiting for. I could finally get things back to normal and Derek would get the raid he wanted. But no. Derek decided that it was in his best interests to stay in the guild he had joined. After I listened to him brag to my guild mates about the gear he had gotten after he'd "sold out" I kept quiet. As he asked me to help him upgrade that gear, I silently tried to find a balance. Even after he insisted that I pay for gear to help me and my friends after I had provided him with almost the same, I shut up and paid him. But the devastation I felt, the insult,  the slap in the face of friendship that I felt after he blatantly refused to return because of stupid pixels in a stupid game, was too much for me to bear. I'd finally had it. I asked him not to return for awhile. He threw many insults at me, most of which were out of anger and I admit that I did not focus on. Derek, I love you. You're my brother and you always will be. But I can't put myself in a situation where you can hurt me again. I put everything into my friends and even as I write this I'm nothing short of heartbroken.


Andrew. Oh Andrew. My awkward little puppy. I won't share all the things I know about you here, because many of them were not meant for the public. But what's going here, I hope, will be enough to at least express how I feel and what I've said to you the things I've said. Andrew, my story today for you starts years ago with a guild called Menagerie. I won't go into everything that happened during that dark time, but the end result is that you did not stand by me in my moment of greatest need. You stayed with people who had not only beaten me up, but they threw me to the curb and didn't even toss my my hat. That day you proved to me that you were not truly my friend, but you were nothing more than an opportunist who could not be trusted when all the marbles were on the line. In spite of all of that, I did not(nor do I now) hate you. I was upset with you for a very long time, but let you back into my life at arm's length. That was okay. I expected little from you and that's what I got -- little. I always admired your commitment to the group you were in but realized over the years that said loyalty was only as important to you as how far that group was willing to take you. You did not break my heart like Derek did, not this time. You've done nothing short of what I've expected of you, and while it still hurts it is hardly debilitating as it was last time. You've only looked out for yourself, and I believe you always will. I know I'm writing less about you than I am Derek, and I do hope you're not jealous of the inequality here as you've been lately. But much of what I said about Derek applies to you as well. My only advice to you, Andrew, is to take the time to examine yourself, and look for the mistakes you've made in your lifetime. You are talented, and you have a bigger heart than most people who've met you are willing to believe. But you keep all of your good qualities hidden behind this survivalist who trusts and respects no one. You will not make it far in your chosen field if you're not willing to give other people a chance. You are not perfect Andrew, and you should not expect others to be either.

This may sound antagonist towards someone I care about, but I say it with the utmost love. It is because I care so much that I can be honest. It's because once I've chosen my friends I do not easily dismiss them.

Derek and Andrew are two of the most selfish, pig-headed, dirtiest people I've ever met. But they are still my best friends and I love them dearly and they can rot in hell until they're ready to apologize to me.

You don't get an image, but only a quote. I'm at work, hah!

"All of us know people like this--people whose rigidity serves to protect a certain inner fragility, who cannot bend precisely because they are at risk of breaking. For that matter, all of us are people like this sometimes. No matter how psychologically resilient we may be, facing up to our own errors time and again is tough. And sometimes we just can't. Sometimes we are too exhausted or too sad or too far out of our element to risk feeling worse (or even just feeling more), and so instead we wax stubborn, or defensive, or downright mean. The irony, of course, is that none of these feelings are all that great, either..." - Kathryn Schulz, Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error

...thrust upon them.

Dear friends,

The following disclaimer, as usual, cautions those readers with overly heightened sensibilities to go eat breakfast while the rest of the big kids go behind the bridge to smoke a bag. This is my blog and I will say what I want. Everything here is my own opinion and nobody else's. Deal with it.

The formalities out of the way, I'd like to discuss a little thing called loyalty. We don't normally think about such things unless said loyalty is either exceptional or broken. Sadly, I'm no different from the masses in this one, and I have had quite unfortunate experiences as of late.

Loyalty, as defined by the great dictionary on the internet is a "faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader,cause, etc." and "an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like." But how does one truly define what that means? Should you follow a person blindly into the cold, dark, oblivion never to be seen again on a fool's errand? No, of course not. There are big differences between stupidity and loyalty.

No. No no no no no!

Loyalty is the ability to stand up to someone you love and tell them they're wrong. It's the firm desire that even though you may upset them, you're going to help them grow. You're going to slap them around when they need it, and you're going to comfort them afterwards. It's that deep love you feel for another that you cannot just idly sit and watch them destroy themselves and the people around them. Loyalty is love in action.

Loyalty is in every chance you a person. It's every lecture you give and every heartache you suffer. It's in one person's ability to look past the hard candy shell and see the chocolate center they know is there. It's holding them in your hand while you wait for it to melt(Yeah, M&Ms really do melt in your hand. Don't let the commercials fool you). It's taking that chance on someone even when you know you're going to have the same results. Loyalty is hopeful optimism in face of defeat.

Loyalty is the giving of oneself to something that may be better than the self. It's looking at your own wants and your own needs and then looking at what the right choice is. It's the actions we take when our backs are against the wall. It's the choices we make when no one is looking. It's looking to the future, not the past. It's knowing the difference. Loyalty is the courage to put the life of another above yourself and the trust that they'll do the same.

Loyalty is knowing when enough is enough. It's the ability to see something for what it is and be able to walk away from it. It's knowing that unless you're willing to cut off an arm, you're going to die. It's actually doing so. Loyalty is the wisdom to know when to walk away.

Loyalty, in any of its forms, is one of the most difficult concepts for a human being to truly grasp and understand. We are selfish and needy and are inclined to act without considering others. We're impatient and impulsive. These qualities often serve us well, but rarely when working together with others. I fail at it sometimes, but I always get back up and try again.

I learn from my mistakes.

I have learned from my mistakes.

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” 

― Mark Twain